A note from Ruth

You did not come here to learn how to be a better version of yourself. You came here to remember the one you already are.

For many of us, the road back to ourselves runs through everyone else first. The family. The job. The church. The friends who lean on us because we have always been the one who can take it. We are praised for being strong, and we quietly pay for it in sleep, in softness, and in the parts of us that never get asked what they need.

This page is not a workbook and it is not homework. It holds the questions we sit with in the circle, a private place for you to write on your own phone, and the short practice we close with, so that you can return to it whenever you need to find your way home again.

Nothing you write here leaves your phone. Nobody, including me, can see it.

Ruth Unaegbu, Healing Circle Facilitator

How we hold this circle

• What is shared here stays hereStories belong to the woman who told them. Carry the feeling of the circle out the door and leave the details inside it.
• Speak from your own experienceUse "I". Nobody in this room needs to advise, rescue, or make it better. Listening is the gift.
• Silence is welcomeA pause is not a problem. You can pass, and you can come back in whenever you are ready.
• Your body gets a voteSome things land in the body before they land in words. Shift, stretch, drink water, or step out. No explanation needed.

Four doorways back to yourself

These are the rooms we may visit together. Sit with the question that pulls at you. Write a little, or write nothing at all.

Returning

When did you last feel like yourself?

What was around you? Who was there, or not there? What did your body know before your mind did?

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Letting go

What have you been carrying that was never yours to hold?

The strong one. The fixer. The one who does not need anything. The armour was intelligent; it kept us safe, employed, respected, and alive. The question is only whether it still needs to be worn everywhere.

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Boundaries

Where does a "no" want to live in your life?

Not the loud one. The quiet, clear one that sounds like care for yourself and for the other person. A boundary is not a wall. It is information about what keeps you in the relationship.

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Rest and space

What would it look like to make room for your own needs before you are empty?

Collapse is what happens when we finally cannot. Rest is what happens when we decide we may. Many of us only know the first one.

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Both stay on your device. Nothing is uploaded.

Returning, in the body

This is the short practice we close the circle with. It comes from Brainspotting, and it is gentle. We are not going toward anything hard. We are going toward what is already good in you and letting it grow. It takes about six minutes.

1. 1
   Find the feeling

   Bring back one moment when you felt even a flicker of yourself. Notice where that lives in your body right now. Chest, belly, hands, face. Small is enough.

2. 2
   Find the spot

   Keeping your attention on that place, let your eyes drift slowly across the room. Somewhere, the feeling gets a little stronger or warmer. Let your eyes rest there. That is your spot.

3. 3
   Stay and breathe

   Hold a soft gaze on the spot. Nothing to make happen. Notice what moves on its own: warmth, tingling, tears, a sigh, more space in the chest. All of it is welcome.

4. 4
   Let it expand

   Let the feeling grow one size bigger. Then one more. Let it reach the edges of you and, if it wants to, a little past them. This is what is left when everything you carry for other people is set down. It was always yours.

5. 5
   Come back

   In your own time, let your eyes come off the spot. Blink. Feel your feet. If someone you love is nearby, let yourself be seen for a second.

If something uncomfortable rises during the practice, open your eyes wide, look around the room, feel your feet, and name three things you can see. The feeling will pass. You are always in charge of this practice, and you can end it at any point.

Take it home

Three small things for the week after the circle. Choose one. One is plenty.

A boundary in one breath

A boundary said early is kinder than a resentment said late. Practise one sentence until it feels like yours."I love you, and I am not available for that."
"I can do this by Friday, not tonight."
"I am going to sit this one out."

Rest that is not earned

Pick 20 minutes this week that you do not have to justify to anyone, including yourself. Lie down, sit outside, take the long way, leave the dishes. Rest before you are empty, not after.

Name it while it is small

Most of us only say what we need once it has become a crisis. This week, name one small need out loud to one person, while it is still small enough to be simple."I need 10 minutes before we talk about this."
"I would love help with the school pickup on Thursday."

Further reading, from Black authors

Books that hold these same doorways, if you would like to keep sitting with them.

Rest Is Resistance, Tricia Hersey

A manifesto for rest as a birthright, not something earned through exhaustion.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab

Plain, practical language for the boundary conversations we practised today.

Pause, Rest, Be, Octavia Raheem

Stillness practices written specifically for Black women in seasons of change.

All About Love, bell hooks

On loving ourselves with the same seriousness we bring to loving everyone else.

My Grandmother's Hands, Resmaa Menakem

On racialized trauma living in the body, and the slow work of mending it.

Right Within, Minda Harts

On healing from the specific weight Black women carry in rooms built without us in mind.

You Are More Than Magic, Kelisa Wing

A guide to finding your voice, written for the girl who was told to be quiet and grateful instead.

Stay connected

Returning to yourself is not a single trip. It is a path you walk again and again, and it gets shorter each time. If today opened something you would like support with, you do not have to carry it alone.

Made for the women of the 5th Annual Exhale Wellness. Your notes on this page stay on your own device and are never sent anywhere.